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Acceptance Speech by Incoming AGSM President
Ruth Stonesifer, June 2009.
Thank you for the confidence you have placed in me to lead this
wonderful organization none of us ever wanted to become eligible to
join but we are grateful to have.
I am proud to follow in the footsteps of so many outstanding past
national
 presidents who have kept the organization viable over our
81-year history, especially the Vietnam era moms who did not get the
same public support we are getting today. Your journey has been
admirable in the face of those tribulations.
There are many to thank who have helped me in my gold star journey,
but for now, I will only single out a few. First to thank is my
family who at times have not fully understood my involvement with
AGSM but support me none the less. And to my significant other
Harvey, who seems to be invisible to you most of the time, but shows
his expertise on our website and sends me off to DC guilt free.
Thanks to Judith Young who encouraged me to participate on a
National level and patiently showed me the ropes of the inner
sanctum; we affectionately call the Mother ship in DC. Oh, the
computer skills I now have under my belt just as I am about to
become eligible for Medicare and a walker.
Thanks to Terry Davis who taught me that a few beers after the
meeting is the best way to end the day. She is one of the original
mavericks who showed me that the older moms have some confessions to
make and it really does not take a beer to get them to talk.
Now, one last thank you before I sound too much like a starlet
getting an Oscar.
Thanks to Barbara Calfee whose quiet wisdom has been a rock solid
countenance for me and I hope her mentorship will continue as I
speed through this coming year. I say speed because it seems like a
long steep learning curve to become the National President and once
you’re there-- a year that goes by too quickly.
I have been asked, “What possessed you to do this?” My answer has to
be my son Kris and lessons we try to instill in our children. You
know how we encouraged them to do new things, holding our breath
while they launched themselves down a steep incline in a contraption
built with leftover wheels, spit and duct tape. Thinking that we
should warn them about the heap of debris we will be extracting them
from in a few minutes at the bottom of the hill; but all the time
secretly wishing we were tucked in right behind them cherishing our
children’s giggles as they float by our ears.
At age nine, Kris’ contraption involved a rather long piece of rope
tied to the top of one tree and to the bottom of another several
yards away. It was too late to scream when I looked up from the
kitchen sink and saw him hop off the tree limb holding on to a small
blue cloth. It was only a matter of seconds until the rope burned
through his nylon gym shorts on his version of the Ranger slide to
life. At least I knew when he went to Ft Benning years later, that
their contraption had a huge lake to absorb the fall. I just had
another trip to the ER at age nine, ten, eleven. You get the
picture.
This was my son, Kris, fearless, bullet proof and invisible with
multiple broken bones to prove his daring. As a mom, I secretly
admired his audacity but lived in fear that one day I was going to
be arrested for child abuse if they really studied the medical
records closely.
One of my son’s ROTC buddies at the University of Montana described
him to me as… “Kris was the kind of guy who could talk you into
jumping off a steep cliff with him without a parachute just for the
sheer joy of the learning experience.
There you’d be in free fall with him grinning ear to ear at you, and
somehow you knew that just before hitting the ground; Kris would
help you find the knowledge to walk away unharmed. Then as you
strolled nonchalantly away, he’d say, ‘Wow, that was great, what
shall we try next?’” And you knew you would follow him back up to
some edge somewhere higher than the last one.
I think, as mothers, we all want to claim that we were the
inspirational mentor in all the amazing behaviors our children
exhibited. My motherly ego is no exception. However I realize that
now, I am the one learning from my son’s example. He was a quiet
natural born leader who never wanted to lead anyone but always
wanted to challenge himself to the next level of learning.
Before Kris died, I would have never been on the ledge ready to join
his leap of faith. I had this great safe plan mapped out for my
life. I was going to be in my basement making quilts for
grandchildren and avoiding the world. However the world slapped me
upside the head just after the events of 9/11 and Operation Enduring
Freedom began in Afghanistan on 19 Oct 2001 and Kris’ life was cut
short.
We as Gold Star Mothers, all amuse ourselves about our first serious
sit down talk when we finally catch up to our departed sons and
daughters in the other dimension. However after my initial ’what
were you thinking’ talk, I will have to thank Kris for the gift of
inspiration he bestows upon me each and every day. Without it, I
would still be at home sucking my thumb and not out in the world
learning and growing as a human being. He would want me to recognize
the open door and live up to my potential just as he did in his
short 28 years.
With that in mind, it is pretty sobering to be the first Operation
Enduring Freedom mother to take on the National Presidency of the
AGSM. As my son wrote in his journal, “Delightful anticipation is
worth the optimism.”
With this job’s awesome responsibility to the membership comes an
equal duty of homage to the legacy of all the Gold Star Mothers
since WWI. Studying our organization’s history has given me a
greater appreciation of those traditions, and the ability to
understand the reasonable debate by our newest members about those
rituals.
The newer mothers have overheard the concerns emanating from the
Vietnam Mothers. Some of you think that the new mothers haven’t a
clue what to do and handing over the reins of the organization to us
is a very scary proposition.
You may be right on all accounts, change is always scary. However
you must have heard the same comments whispered about you by the
World War II mothers as you stepped in when it was your turn to
assume responsibilities.
I surmise that you stumbled just like we will and already have. But
have confidence that your excellent example has not gone unnoticed.
Your journey has been amazing. Your son’s deaths occurred when this
Country seemed to turn its back on its Armed Forces. You quietly
earned the respect that we as gold stars moms now share by your
countless unsung volunteer hours and positive attitudes. To quote
Gandhi, you knew instinctively that, “The best way to find yourself
is to lose yourself in the service of others.”
Now it is our turn to prove our worth. The newer members ask you
again to step up to the plate again to help us find our missions.
Teach us to become all that we can be as we leap off the cliff and
soar with the eagles. Give us the parachute when we need it.
Remember the patience you had with your children as you dusted them
off, do the same for us and send us out in the world to succeed
again and again. We in turn will be called on to do the same for the
moms who, unfortunately, will follow us.
I am a firm believer that my son’s death as he served his country
made him a hero, not me. When I meet up with him in that great
reunion , I want my son to be as proud of me as I am of him, and
I’ve got a lot of catching up to do on that score. We have missions
we have not even dreamed of yet.
I feel blessed to have so many Gold Star mothers on my National
Executive Board posed on the cliff ready to inspire me, to envision
the dreams, and then to make them reality. Let us find ourselves
together by helping others and we in turn will benefit spiritually
from our reluctant journey we have been given as Gold Star Mothers.
Be inspired, then make it happen.
Ruth Stonesifer
Remarks by AGSM President Ruth Stonesifer
Gold Star Mothers Sunday
Arlington National Cemetery
September 27th, 2009 Distinguished guests, family and friends of the Gold Star Community,
thank you for coming today and sharing your time with us on this special
occasion. The first time I came to Arlington National Cemetery, it was so many
years ago that I have forgotten whether I was wearing a Brownie uniform
or my green Girl Scout outfit. However, I do remember being mesmerized
by the ceremony of the changing of the guard in front of a big white
marble stone, the Tomb of the Unknowns. Our troop leader hurried us off
to our next stop before I could figure out what it was all about. Years later -- after my brother had flown A7’s in Vietnam; after 11
years as a Navy wife; and after seeing my two sons off to serve in the
Army --my sense of connection to the ceremonies and meaning of Arlington
had grown. But it wasn’t until my son Kris was killed on the first night
of Operation Enduring Freedom, a month after 9/11, that the deeper
meaning of the Changing of the Guard ceremony finally revealed itself:
our nation has an ironclad commitment to remember and honor its fallen
sons and daughters. We hold our Gold Star Mother Sunday ceremony steps away from the remains
of three unidentified soldiers, from the World Wars One and Two, and
Korea. They were lovingly placed here so our nation would always
remember the price we must sometimes pay for the freedom we enjoy at
home and the freedom we have purchased for others abroad. Gold Star
mothers and families bear the weight of that cost, and it is a lifelong
burden. Somewhere in our healing process, many of us experience moments of panic
that our sons and daughters will be forgotten. We place memory markers
to permanently verify the existence and passage of those bright spirits
– the children to whom we gave life and who once filled our hearts with
hope and joy. Many of us write down the family stories, and some of us
tell them over and over as a way to keep our loved ones alive in our
thoughts. My son was an avid student of philosophy who had no illusions about
being remembered with chisel and stone. He would have accepted the
probability, that in time, his story, just like all of ours, will fade
as his family evolves through the generations ahead. I take great comfort in the knowledge that on these rolling hills -- as
on thousands of courthouse walls and in thousands of town squares and
community cemeteries -- our country strives to preserve the memory of
all our children who went to serve their country and didn’t return. I am
reassured by the knowledge that the Old Guard is still on duty 24 hours
of every day at the Tomb of the Unknowns. This tradition has its roots in something George Washington wrote more
than two centuries ago,
“The willingness with which our young people are likely to serve in any
war, no matter how justified, shall be directly proportional as to how
they perceive the veterans of earlier wars were treated and appreciated
by their nation.”
In that spirit, as I help lay the American Gold Star Mothers wreath at
the Tomb of the Unknowns, I will be thinking about all the mothers since
the American Revolution to the present who saw their children off to
war: standing by garden gates with handkerchiefs clutched in their
hands; or waving goodbye at train stations; or driving home from the bus
stop in tears; or looking out the windows of airports until the planes
bearing their children took off. I am proud to have been a part of that
long American tradition. I will be thinking about the soldiers resting under that Colorado marble
as only a mother can -- recalling the warm sweet smell of a newborn, the
soft sleeping sounds coming from a child's bedroom in the middle of the
night, the countless bruises and broken bones earned by a fearless
child's daredevil feats. I will be thinking of the summer night I
watched my son drive down the lane from my house into the dark, never to
return. My son’s story, all of our children’s stories, are part of those three
soldiers who, although unknown, all had mothers and families who felt
the same losses we share today. No one could have imagined that the little girl in her scout uniform who
watched wide-eyed all those years ago as the Old Guard performed its
enduring ritual would one day be standing here giving voice to all the
mothers of the thousands of soldiers we have come here to honor. A grateful nation remembers its fallen, and today we Gold Star Mothers
dedicate ourselves anew to the task of ensuring that none of our
children shall ever be forgotten.
An Article in The Gold
Star Mother, May - June 2010
Ruth Stonesifer, President AGSM
As an organization, which "gauntlet" do we pick up?
Do we support the mother who wants to be buried with her son in a
National Cemetery or the mother who thinks that mother should have had
her son buried in a private cemetery in the first place and money could
be better spent on making sure all the tombstones have the black
lithograph paint?
Do we support the mother who wants the Marine Corp to separate from
the Department of the Navy? Or do we support the Gold Star Mother
stipend, monument or no monument? So many issues and so many opinions
from our members-- it would be a King Solomon's task to make the perfect
choice for the entire membership of AGSM.
How do we wisely use this perceived "clout" that comes with our
organizational name? The answer is --very carefully. It appears from our
80 plus years of history, many generations of gold star mothers took the
high road and refrained from being entangled in political controversy.
Over the years, we have avoided being tarnished by association with any
particular popular or unpopular cause or party. This seems to have
earned us respect from the veterans and the public alike.
How can we better serve our veterans? Most members would agree that
this is our primary mission statement. This is what I, personally fall
back on when confronted by countless calls to our national headquarters
by individuals asking us to support a protest march against the war or
some other cause of the day. While I respect their convictions, that is
not our mission to lend our name to their passion. Equally and with the
same ardor, as an organization, we endorse that every Gold Star Mother
has a right to her own opinion and may forge ahead to right the wrongs
she sees perpetrated in this world.
However, as National board members we are charged to maintain the
reputation of the organization. Our primary duties as fiduciaries of the
AGSM are the care of and loyalty to the organization, and I would go two
steps further-- respect for its history and traditions.
Recently the National Executive Board had to make a difficult decision
when it was asked to file an amicus brief in a case involving protesters
outside the funeral of a soldier. The National Executive Board's
decision to not join the amicus brief was a difficult one to make. It
was debated for several weeks, tons of email, consulting friends and
mentors, and many tears.
Our hearts go out to the family and the struggle they have had
dealing with their child's death and the harassment visited upon the
funeral. With each and every funeral where members of this church shows
up to protest, the pain inflicted on the newest gold star family is felt
by all of us. We would all like to jump into the TV and wrap our arms
around to protect the family.
Most of the gold star mothers have the fundamental belief that our
children died for the process that is unfolding in this case; that the
scope of the first amendment and the apparent conflicts between the
lofty principles of freedom of speech and the right of privacy will be
resolved in a deliberate judicial process before the United States
federal courts.
To not join in the brief is not to endorse the actions of the
protestors or to take any side. Rather it is to do what we were charged
to do as officers and board members of the AGSM, to maintain the
reputation of the organization by not taking sides.
Some of our members will disagree and be very disturbed that we did
not pick up this gauntlet. Others will be astonished that we even
entertained the debate in the first place.
That is when we re-examine and endorse our policy to report the issues
and the pending legislation keeping our membership knowledgeable so that
every gold star mother can make the personal decisions for their course
of action--Freedom of Choice, something my son enjoyed everyday
especially the day when he signed up to serve his country.
Remarks at Memorial Service
2010 AGSM Convention
Ruth Stonesifer, President AGSM
This evening we come together to commemorate Gold Star Mothers and
Fathers who have passed this year.
At my first convention we seemed to stand in line for hours
practicing how to place a flower in the vase. I was so new and
inexperienced that it seemed rather odd to take so much time to rehearse
this simple procedure and impatiently asked myself, "How difficult can
this be"?
When you really think about that question, it should be very hard and
done with great care and purpose. The common thread that joins us in
this sisterhood does make this evening so very special and our yearly
tribute quite profound.
Most of us here in the audience probably did not know a single mom or
dad named tonight. I did not know any back in 2004. But that whole
episode really started a quest to find out what this unwanted journey I
was given was all about and to bond to these mothers whose names are now
just distant echoes. I needed to gain perspective on our organization,
how and why it was founded, the traditions it established, and the
amazing volunteerism its members contribute each and every day.
There have been some remarkable women and men who have filled these
seats before us and some that never even made it to a single convention
but worked in local VA's across this Nation. I have gained a bit more
knowledge than I had back then and would classify these moms and dads as
my heroes.
So once a year we pause, place a flower in a vase to mark the passing
of our sisters and brothers who have been reunited with their loved one.
It is a fitting and simple token of our respect for a job well done. You
may not be able to conjure up a single face that goes with one name read
tonight; however, we all recognize their volunteer contributions to our
veterans and community and we thank them.
I stand in awe of those who have come before us and all of you who
sit here tonight that have heard to call to volunteer.
Epilog
National Convention, June 2010
Ruth Stonesifer, PNP AGSM
I stand before you with mixed emotions, both of relief and sadness
that it has come to an end. The opportunities that were afforded me as
national president are too special in their own rights to make a
Lettermen top 10 list, but I will try to give you a sense of what was so
special for me this year.
Just one year ago, I was ready for the ride of my life. It felt like
I was poised to take that Ranger slide of life my son built in the back
yard when he was nine. His make shift slider was a pair of nylon shorts
that melted within the first few feet of his rope adventure and he
crashed to the ground in a dusty heap providing me yet again one more
trip to the emergence room for a broken leg.
Luckily for me when I decided to jump out of a perfectly good
airplane on my first escapade after taking office, I had a handsome Air
Force guy strapped to my back and landed safely. I still have not a clue
what possessed me that day, I even hate watching roller coaster rides on
the travel channel.
Then it was a hop skip and jump up into an 18 wheeler hauling wreaths
from snowy Maine to Arlington National Cemetery. How do you describe the
trip of a lifetime the Wreaths Across America educational experience? I
don't know who learned more-- the flag waving school children or the
Gold Star Mothers and Dad who were along for the ride. Getting to be a
part of that amazing energy was a real gift. I thank Morill and Karen
Worcester for inviting us to continue to be a part of that effort. It
inspires us to do more to teach everyone the true cost of freedom and
support our veterans.
It seems like only a few days but it's more like 3 years ago that we
as the new moms serving on the NEB were sitting at a DC Mexican
restaurant lamenting that we needed a "sink your teeth into" project.
Molly Morel said she'd like to raise funds for the Fisher House
Foundation. We all sat there stunned that maybe it could be just that
simple if we just put our minds to it.
What a thrill it was for me to help in the ground breaking ceremony
on May 1st for the Dover Air Force Base Gold Star Family Fisher house.
It is amazing to think that after some Tequila inspiration, we are a
part of that project nearing completion this fall. I vote for more
Margaritas and thank you, Molly.
The PNP's tell you when you take office that if you can make it
through the first event of your presidency-- Gold Star Mother Sunday,
it's a cake walk the rest of the year. In a way they were right. My
biggest thrill that weekend was having Secretary Shinseki as our honored
speaker. It was nice to reconnect to the voice on the phone that called
me just two day after my son's death extending the condolences of the US
Army to me and my family. My work with him as your National President at
the VA has been an honor. You just have to look into his eyes to know he
is the right man for the job at the right time.
And then there is Holly our history guru. Wow, the term paper that
ran amuck. I bet you did not think this quest of gathering up the
History of our organization would become a second career, hobby or
whatever. I cannot thank you enough for the help in answering the
questions I had about the organization but also the varied and amazing
questions we get from the public and long lost relatives of our
membership.
I knew there was something in the works for publishing our history
when I started working in the office. But to be an agent to help put it
between the final covers is a great honor. It just had to happen; we
were all in the right place at the right time. As we have become fond of
saying, there are no coincidences in life. And I think you are already
at work with some additions for the second printing.
Some more frosting on the cake is coming this September. It always
bothered me after visiting the Wall of Stars at the WWII Monument that
there was no sign to tell you that each star represents 100 deaths and
that there are a total of 4,048. The fact that when we are all dressed
up in our whites the public comes up to ask us "What is a Gold Star
Mother", told me that the message of the stars was not very clear no
matter what the official committee members thought when designing it.
On the occasion of the Mother's Day tea at the White House, I made
mention of this fact that no one knows what the stars mean to Dr Jill
Biden who was the hostess at our table. She seemed inspired and asked,
"How do we get that changed" I said I did not know which government
office was in charge of signage for the monument and she replied, "I
will find out".
The next Monday and after a couple of email exchanges with her
assistant, my request to the commissioner was approved for an Permanent
Temporary sign (as they call it) to be placed near the Wall of Stars
helping those who visit to contemplate the true impact of each of those
4,048 stars. We hope to dedicate it over GS Sunday events when the moms
are in town.
As I started this amazing ride I had no expectations. I have always
thought that way you can't be disappointed but in essence since Kris'
death, I have let parts of my life just happen, sometimes accepting
invitations that I normally would have bypassed. They all had a purpose,
ones that my son would have approved "Learn something new today, mom?"
he would tell me; for that is what he did every day.
I thank you all for your support in my educational ride this year. My
board is an amazing group of mothers who continue to inspire me every
day. I wish Molly all the best as she jumps into action. It was good to
see the mothers starting their projects as they move up the "food
chain", as I call it, to become National President. It is comforting to
know the organization is in very capable hands. |
